Today is my birthday; I turn 48 today. So far, I have had a good day: enjoyed some texts, emails, phone calls, and Facebook postings wishing me a happy birthday; went to the library and picked up some new books; got some lovely cupcakes from a local bakery; and even wrote a blog post (I know-two blog posts from me in a day?? What's up with that??)!
So now I sit here, with college football on the tv in the background (go WVU!) and I think about what it means to be 48. I know I have chronologically been on this earth for 48 years. I don't "feel" 48, mostly because I don't know what 48 is supposed to feel like. I certainly don't feel old mentally, although my body is always ready to remind me that I'm not as young as I used to be.
When I was a kid, I was terrified of getting old. Getting older just seemed like a steady progression towards death. That scared me so bad that I had panic attacks from age 10 to about age 30. I can't explain why I was so fearful; I guess I thought my life would fly by and I would feel like I didn't have enough time to live my life and then it would be over. Death seemed so final; I don't know why I developed such a fear at such a young age, but at times the panic attacks were simply overwhelming.
When I was 29, I lived on the island of Guam. I just had our second son. In December of 1997, Super Typhoon Paka hit the island and took down power. Even though the Navy base we lived on got power back on fairly quickly, we still didn't have cable back and the Internet at the time was a bit primitive (I mean-dial up!). So believe it or not, when I had free time, I started re-reading the Bible. While reading through the Old and New Testament, the epistles and the psalms, a feeling of calm came over me. I realized that I didn't have control over things like death and the passage of time and that was okay; there was nothing to fear from that. From that point, my panic attacks stopped and very rarely have they resurfaced. Letting go and having faith that I would be okay no matter what made a huge difference in my life and brought me peace.
When I was 42, I started working at St. Leo Catholic Church, the church my family and I have attended since we moved to West Virginia. I had volunteered in different ministries, but now I was in the office during the week and in contact with many different people. Many different and wonderful people who have taught me so much. Alot of the people I come into contact with every day are at least 20 years older than me. They have made me look at age differently. So many of these people live vibrant lives. They volunteer their time, they travel, they have wonderful outlooks on life, no matter what life may hand them. They do not buckle when there are challenges in their path; they deal with them and keep on living. I am so grateful to have examples of human beings living such full lives in front of me every day.
I have grown into myself as I have aged. I don't care as much about what people think of me. I don't care as much about making mistakes-they are learning tools. Every day I am learning to not let fear hold me back from living my life. I am grateful for all of the experiences that have gotten me to where I am today. Maybe my life has not turned out quite like I thought it would, but in many ways, that is a good thing. I have realized it is better not to have expectations-that is the quickest way to get disappointed. Every day I learn new things, about myself and the world around me and I am committed to keeping an open mind. Nothing is truly impossible.
So I look forward to the road ahead and hopefully it is a long one. I intend to keep improving my outlook, expanding my horizons, and learning as much as I can about myself and the world around me. I will do this one day at a time.
Happy Birthday to me :)
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